The end of July I officially became a full time employee. The end of August I began my second year of college as a full time student.
I currently work 40 hours a week, take 21 credits, and ask myself every day if I’m crazy.
I’m tempted to say yes.
My decision to work 40 hours came when I realized the cost of living away from home. I want to avoid borrowing money as much as possible. My view is that I have no guarantee that this schooling is going to get me anywhere. Why would I want to spend the rest of my life paying for something that hasn’t benefited me in any way?
My frustration with college is that I feel like I’m spending every day doing the same thing all day. I’m taking classes, doing homework, writing papers. I feel no advancement in my life and no clear path as to how it is going to help me. I’m drowning in a sea of four years of constant assignments and when I complete them I feel like I haven’t moved an inch. I feel like I’ve wasted time and effort that I could have spent doing something to advance my life.
To try and compensate for how worthless school makes me feel I try and find other places to advance in my life. In the last two years I’ve gotten two promotions at work, because it makes me feel useful, I put real effort into my work. Recently I bought a ferret because I feel useful and like I’m accomplishing something every time he learns something or even just scooping his freaking litter makes me feel more useful then the part of my life that I spend thousands of dollars on every year.
School feels so pointless.
I’m struggling to keep myself from dropping out. The only thing keeping me going is that I’ve already spent 1.5 years and a LOT of time and money. Hopefully sometime in the next 2.5 years I find a purpose to keep on going through school.
Even stories from people who regret not going to college to continue their education doesn’t help me feel motivated. This sea of homework, this ocean of stress. I can’t handle how pointless it all feels.
I remember starting last year and feeling like this was the beginning of something great. Like I was going somewhere. That was before reality hit me and I realized it sucks and it’s not getting better.
Am I being too negative? Perhaps. Maybe I just feel too alone in the world with my struggles. Nobody around me seems to have as much of a problem with schooling as I do.
On that depressing note. I stopped writing a paper so I could write this all down and get it out.
I guess the thought that something will show itself tomorrow and make everything better is how I get through every day. Just a little over two and a half years left, right?