The Problem with School

The end of July I officially became a full time employee. The end of August I began my second year of college as a full time student.

I currently work 40 hours a week, take 21 credits, and ask myself every day if I’m crazy.

I’m tempted to say yes.

My decision to work 40 hours came when I realized the cost of living away from home. I want to avoid borrowing money as much as possible. My view is that I have no guarantee that this schooling is going to get me anywhere. Why would I want to spend the rest of my life paying for something that hasn’t benefited me in any way?

My frustration with college is that I feel like I’m spending every day doing the same thing all day. I’m taking classes, doing homework, writing papers. I feel no advancement in my life and no clear path as to how it is going to help me. I’m drowning in a sea of four years of constant assignments and when I complete them I feel like I haven’t moved an inch. I feel like I’ve wasted time and effort that I could have spent doing something to advance my life.

To try and compensate for how worthless school makes me feel I try and find other places to advance in my life. In the last two years I’ve gotten two promotions at work, because it makes me feel useful, I put real effort into my work. Recently I bought a ferret because I feel useful and like I’m accomplishing something every time he learns something or even just scooping his freaking litter makes me feel more useful then the part of my life that I spend thousands of dollars on every year.

School feels so pointless.

I’m struggling to keep myself from dropping out. The only thing keeping me going is that I’ve already spent 1.5 years and a LOT of time and money. Hopefully sometime in the next 2.5 years I find a purpose to keep on going through school.

Even stories from people who regret not going to college to continue their education doesn’t help me feel motivated. This sea of homework, this ocean of stress. I can’t handle how pointless it all feels.

I remember starting last year and feeling like this was the beginning of something great. Like I was going somewhere. That was before reality hit me and I realized it sucks and it’s not getting better.

Am I being too negative? Perhaps. Maybe I just feel too alone in the world with my struggles. Nobody around me seems to have as much of a problem with schooling as I do.

On that depressing note. I stopped writing a paper so I could write this all down and get it out.

I guess the thought that something will show itself tomorrow and make everything better is how I get through every day. Just a little over two and a half years left, right?

Jessi

Let’s Talk About My Ferret

So yeah, I got a ferret.

His name is Sad Adams*

I have lived in a house with my dog for 5 years before I moved out. I had fish from the time I started 5th grade and I still have some now. I had two hamsters when I was between 8-14 years old.

Of course I was the only one in my house who ever had a pet, and I cared for them diligently. I taught my dog more than any dog I had ever met knew. I spent countless hours with him. While I don’t really believe in animals being “best friends” I definitely had a bond with mine that caused me to feel seriously empty when I had to leave him behind.

For 6 months I made do with going home to visit him whenever I had the chance and stealing him from my parents for a few days. I honestly missed him all the time. So I started researching pets.

What fit into my lifestyle the most and still “needed” me? (I tend to feel like fish don’t “need” me, they just need the food I give them.

I settled on a ferret. (Which definitely doesn’t smell as much as I was warned about.)

He is a constant source of entertainment and he is so weird it’s fantastic. He is very high maintenance but that’s part of what I love about him. I love to have something relying on me, that gets excited when he sees me and knows we’re going to have adventures together.

The best part is after the adventures, Sam Adams* falls asleep and Sam Adams* sleeps like a ROCK. I can actually pick him up and move him around and clip his toenails and he wont wake up for a second.

I’m sure there will be a lot of interesting stories involving this little turd.

Jessi

*This is one name I did not change

Let’s talk about work

So I have been a head cashier since march (it’s Oct. 1st now) and I have just recently suffered the most disappointing discovery since starting as a head cashier. While I never envisioned myself working at this home improvement store past college, I still have aspirations and I still plan to move around as much as possible while I am here. While recently I discovered my supervisor (the FES) is planning to leave because of personal reasons.

Okay. Someone needs to take his job right? I’m the HC that’s been here the longest. I’m the HC that knows the most about the front end, I’m the HC that fixes all the registers and computers when they break down. I was acting FES while he was gone. Obviously I’m at least in the running right?

I guess not.

He told me “Blaire will be ready to take over when I leave” and he started training Blaire WHO I TRAINED IN to be the next FES.

I’m not crying, these droplets of water running down my face are because it’s raining. YES OUT OF THE CLEAR BLUE SKY.

Moving on.

It makes sense if the only reason is because I’m attending school and Blaire isn’t. It makes sense if you see she has been with the company longer, just in different departments. It makes sense if you see that she is older.

But in the long run, everybody I’ve talked to doesn’t think it makes sense that I am not even given a chance. So now I go to work everyday and I watch the person I trained in, get trained in to be my supervisor.

Obviously I’m leaving the department ASAP.

Nothing else to say on this matter.

Jessi

*A reminder names are ALWAYS changed on my blog, mostly to protect myself*

Update Mate

Wow It’s been a while.

I have been cruising through life at the most insane pace of late, and it doesn’t show any sign of slowing.

This year I’m working full time and I’m going to school full time which is CRAZY busy. And guess what I did last week? I bought a freaking ferret. I did a ton of research, and while it’s not 100% or even 5% legal in my apartment he is cute as hell and I’d get evicted for him… (maybe).

Anyway. I’m going to post a few more soon to update you more specifically on everything.

BRB (Do people still use that? Does that even make sense in this context?)

Jessi

Being Alone in Public & “Maturing”

Today I had an eye appointment at a new place, located in our lovely mall. As usual I was lost and confused and went in to the completely wrong door, so I had to walk all the way across the mall to find the correct place. As I was strolling around trying to look casually interested in stores and not like I was in a panic trying to find a specific place, I realized this is the first time I have ever been to a mall alone.

So you know what I did?

I went to my eye appointment, then I walked around a bit more. Afterwards I went to target.

Like I went to target alone.

For the first time.

There’s something so incredibly unique about shopping when you are alone. You are straight up forced to make decisions completely on your own. I used to hold a shirt up and be like “Hey, what about this one?” To my mother or a friend, but today I picked up a shirt and I said “Hey, what about this one?” to myself (In my head because I’m not completely crazy, just kind of).

 

I feel like this tiny adventure to target really was important. Like many of the little adventures that I have been forcing myself into. I was actually told the other day by an older co-worker that I have “matured” a lot since starting there and I seem a lot more confident and sure of myself.

 

I guess I’m getting better at acting 😉

just kidding! I’m really happy somebody has taken notice, it makes it more real, and feels like I’m actually making progress.

 

Am I Man Enough?

A friend that I worked with recently quit because of personal reasons and now he is looking for a job again. Today he came in and “didn’t tell me” that the starting pay for my position at the place he interviewed was 2-4 dollars more then I was making per hour.

Um okay.

*fills out application*

*feels immense guilt about even the possibility of leaving current job*

*thinks about money*

*wants money*

*submits application*

*mental break down*

Am I man enough to do what’s best for me? Or am I going to feel too guilty or attached to leave if they offer me a position?

ugh.

Why I’m Alone.

Life is full of coincidences but lately it’s been super chock-full.

Right now I want to talk about the music at work. At approximately 8pm last Sunday when we closed and I was starting to close registers “Closing Time” by Semisonic came on. Like it was literally closing time.

Now the sad part of this story.

This Sunday was the last day for my “crush” at work. He is leaving to a new job a couple hours away for the next three months. (he’s coming back in the fall for school.) and I know it’s ridiculous, like having a “crush” is such a weird thing. People are getting married and having babies at my age, why the hell do I have a crush? Anyway.

I clocked out and I went up to say goodbye and on my walk back up to the front to where he is the song that started playing was John Mayer’s Say What You Need to Say.

So what did I end up saying?

“Bye forever!”

I don’t need anybody to tell me why I’m single. like. perpetually single.

How I was Raised

Today is Mothers’ Day so I thought I’d write an appreciative blog post for my parents, but also since they wont read this I can be completely honest.

Over the years I have had a slight resentment for how I was raised. I believe it contributed to my disconnect with people and my inability to attach to others or get close to them. Growing up we never discussed anything personal. I spent a lot of time confused and unsure of what I was doing as far as anything goes.

Recently however, living alone, I have realized the benefits to this. As far as politics go, my parents never told me their views. If I had a question they answered it completely unbiased. I later came to find out their views, but they never influenced my political information. This allowed me to form my own opinion and they never tried to sway me from making up my own mind.

In addition to becoming my own person, not being directed in much has left me rather helpless when I comes to a lot of things. However, this has allowed my to learn how to manipulate those around me.. which sounds bad.. but I’m really good at getting things done.. or I guess, getting other people to get things done for me.

While not as beneficial as knowing how to do something, I will always know how to get help from others.

This blog post didn’t really sound very appreciative…

Oh well.

Happy Mothers’ Day!

Jessi

I’m dealing with a Seperation that Hasn’t Happened.

I don’t feel like I’m dependent on my brother and I see him 1-3 times a week during school if I’m lucky and like once a month in the summer, but we’ve always lived within a few miles of each other, and now he is moving all the way across the country. My oldest brother has left before and moved a few states away but it didn’t affect me how losing my closer brother is affecting me.

He’s always been so smart and perceptive, he tells me what I need to know, not what I want to hear. And he always knows the answers to the questions I have about what I should do or where I should go or anything. I’m used to being able to drive a few blocks and hangout, and I still can, for the next 20 days.

I used to tell him my decisions to do things before I told anybody else because I always valued his opinion above anybody else’s. Even above my friends or my mother. Just the way he sees things is so different from the rest of the world.

I haven’t dealt with the fact that he is leaving me, I’m just not accepting it yet. Like I think I am just starting to now, even though I’ve known he would be leaving since November. Just as I’m typing this my eyes are watering a bit and I’m starting to realize that I’m losing him.

Sure there is Skype, and phone calls and text messages but it isn’t the same. He has always been there. As a young girl when we walked to elementary school together I never realized it, as a middle school kid when he helped me through math class, I never realized it, and as a high school student when I felt out of place and weird among all the kids, he knew exactly what to say to me so I knew that I didn’t need to bow to the pressure of being like everybody else. I didn’t realize it then either.

He has always been there for me, he has always known what to say, what to do. And I’m just realizing it now. Now that is he almost gone.

I don’t know what I’m going to do without him. He seemed like such a little part of my life until I found out I’m losing him, and now it seems like he is the greatest part of my life.

 

Jessi

Stop Being Fake, I Want Friends!

I read a blog post by another recently that tells how introverted people tend to be able to tell if somebody is being “fake” and I think it’s true… Like a lot.

But sometimes I wonder if I could have more friends if I wasn’t so picky with the people that I accept. For instance. I’m friends with this girl, but I often say no to hanging out or find some excuse to only hangout for a few hours because she starts to get on my nerves and I hate it.

I hate that I can’t love her for what she is pretending to be.

I want to, but I can only love a person that I feel like is being real, and I’m having a hard time finding those people.

Like she took a theater class and we went to a play once and suddenly she’s “TOTALLY into the theater!” or sometimes she gets really weird about the fact that she is a psych major and she loves to talk about how she is always analyzing you and how she “can stereotype because that’s what her major is”

And I just want to be like… Stop. No. Just, No.

But what I want to know most is does she know who she is? Like if she stopped acting like somebody else, would she know how to act at all? Like are some people so far gone in pretending that there is no saving them, they are what they are?

I don’t know, it seems exhausting always pretending to love things and be things. I prefer to be my weird little self and not have to worry about the people who don’t appreciate me.

 

Sorry about the rambling, but ya know, it is my blog. 😉

Jessi